i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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