just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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