On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just had sex on a roof
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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