ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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