So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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