It's a beautiful day for a hangover
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize