do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
