like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
