when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
