I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
