trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
