I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
