i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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