You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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