i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
