i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
