I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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