If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
