Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
