she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
