I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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