Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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