ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
is wine microwaveable?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
