Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
