When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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