Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I did not marry a roomba.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
