I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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