i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize