dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize