My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
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