and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
