Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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