my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
