He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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