It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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