True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I think I sprained my soul last night
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
