He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
