There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
