I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
