If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
