Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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