I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
