my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
They took my balls.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
