I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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