got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
