TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had to cum in my sink.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
