Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
