My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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