I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
