we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize