I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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