I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
