I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
