I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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