He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I lost the right to judge tonight
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
