that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
