I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
