I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
