I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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